The Yogic Gaze

During asana, when we think of "drishti," a difficult balancing posture comes to mind. We focus our gaze on something not moving in front of us or on the tip of our nose to keep us from falling.

But I don't think having a drishti is limited to our asana practice. The conversations I've been having with family, friends, and students (virtually, of course!) have all centered around the idea of focusing on what will get us through to the next day, without driving ourselves crazy. I usually try to stay away from terms like "crazy" because of the negative connotation to mental illness, but I feel it relates in this case personally, because of my own mental health struggle recently. In fact, "crazy" was the exact word I used when I called my doctor asking for a refill on anxiety medications that I haven't taken in years after receiving a late night email from my office limiting my work hours. I felt as though my purpose, what had kept me focused during the first week of the pandemic, had been taken away. (This is in no way a knock to decisions made by my employer, only a reflection of my feelings in that moment). After the initial "woh is me" reaction, I tried to find gratitude for my health, the health of my loved ones, and the ability to still receive a paycheck despite the circumstances.

The last few weeks, as life has changed drastically for the majority of the world, I have had to continuously redefine my purpose... my focus... my drishti. And I'm sure I'm not the only one. When the majority of my students were sent home from their residence halls, I provided comfort and positivity. When I was sent home to work remotely, I got my creative juices flowing on how to engage students virtually and threw myself into learning everything I could about online learning, creating videos, and getting comfortable in front of a camera/microphone. I had finally felt as though I was getting into a routine of sitting down at the kitchen island every morning by 9:00AM with my coffee and laptop. I felt productive and focused and continuously reached out to my students and fellow staff to see how everyone was feeling and finding ways to help them. When I was told to stop working and take vacation time, I'll admit I lost my drishti and felt myself falling.

After speaking with my doctor and my mom (thank goodness for amazing moms!), I made a plan for the following week on how to pick myself up knowing that come Monday morning, I had nothing on my schedule.

1- Stay present. Whenever a new obstacle emerges, I have a tendency to catastrophize the situation. I like to coordinate and plan for all the possible scenarios that might arise so the term "fluid" being used about cancellations, closings, work hours, etc hasn't set well with me. I jump to the worst case scenario in hopes of preparing how I will respond to that situation, but this time, the worst case scenario sends me spiraling toward a panic attack. I continuously have to remind myself to take it one day at a time (sometimes one moment at a time), making a list of what I can work on each day for my students, the community, and even myself.

2- Help. This has always been my go-to, thus the reason for choosing a career path creating opportunities for people to help each other. I've had to be a bit more creative with finding volunteer opportunities, but with less and less people being able to volunteer due to illness or caring for family, I've found myself at food banks and meal delivery programs. These acts of service are a reminder of everything that I have to be grateful for.

3- Connect. There has been a lot of joking about how this pandemic is an introvert's dream, and although I do not consider myself an introvert (I break the MBTI by being right down the middle), I am very independent and enjoy my own company. Often I consider connecting to others my way of helping them, and the support I feel in that connection is just a bonus. It's been harder to connect with people lately because I don't know how to help or make their situation better. A conversation with my younger sister summed it up perfectly the other night. "Eh, I don't even know what to ask for! Just don't tell me it'll be fine. Lol. It all really sucks, and I wish more people were saying that!" Amen! After getting past the "this sucks" conversation, we were able to talk about our specific struggles but also find moments of gratitude, and creative ways we could support each other.

I don't consider myself an expert on any of this and am struggling to wrap my head around it. I hesitated to even do a post this month, but have found it very therapeutic to put my thoughts up on a screen and help me to redefine my drishti. I know many people are still heading to work every day, questioning every tickle in their throat, concerned about vulnerable family members (or themselves), wondering how they will pay the bills next month, or other concerning situations and can't relate this blog post, but it's helped me and maybe it can help you too.

At the end of every yoga class I teach, I show gratitude to my class for allowing me to be their guide and say "be gentle with yourselves tonight." I pray you find peace in the present moment, ways to help others in need, and take the time to connect in ways that calm your heart. Be well.